I heard these words while I was studying philosophy in Karumathur, Madurai, India, from Fr. Mathew Vattamattam, the Superior General of our Congregation as he met the students. These words are still fresh in my memory as a reasonable and meaningful definition for my vocation. Being born in Mannar, a district in northern part of Sri Lanka during the time of bloody civil war, I had to spend my most precious childhood days either in refugee camp or in an atmosphere of fear, anxiety, and insecurity. Whenever I hear about much negative news about the church and particularly about the priests and religious on social media, I recall my childhood memories which are just contrary to my experiences in Sri Lanka.
The churches were mostly the place of safety and protection. I have seen priests who were the voice of the voiceless people, the shield, and guides of the innocent victims of oppression, injustice during the war. I saw in my childhood surroundings priests and religious who protected the people in danger, participated in the daily struggle of the people and who committed their lives for the cause of the wounded society where they lived. So, my understanding of priesthood from the very beginning is that they are someone always with the people, their life is for the people, and people are in need of them…
Even my grandfather worked together with some of such committed priests. He is no more with us but I still recall his last words to me, the priest should never be afraid. You need to be courageous. He said it to me as he blessed me just before I had left to Germany in order to be a missionary in a new country. Only after his death I started reflecting on his words and realized that he said it to me out of his experience of working with committed priests.
Moreover, my grandparents introduced God to me, took me closer to the church and brought me up in faith. Daily prayer of rosary in family was the place where I was inspired to think about a vocation, to become a priest. In daily rosary, which is a common family prayer in our villages, there is a special intercessory prayer for vocations. In this prayer there is a verse as follows: Lord! If it is your will, call some of us from our family who are kneeling in front of you now. The interesting thing is that we as children were asked by our grandparents and parents to kneel at least when these words were being uttered. We took it so seriously and believed that sometime my sister did not like to kneel down believing that she may have to become a nun. Indeed, it is a very simple faith of ordinary people. But it shaped the idea of vocation from my childhood onwards and naturally I could clarify it later in this light my personal faith and understanding, and I am convinced of my vocation despite doubts, weaknesses, and challenges. However, with such childhood desire everything was not over.
The real discernment process began as I started moving from place to place for different purpose as young man together with my companions. During my schooling, I found myself not to be a bright student. I used to struggle even to pass exams in the schools with minimum marks. My poor performance and weakness as a student which just an opposite of my entire sibling at home, made me to think that I was incapable of joining a seminary to become a priest. I slowly gave up hope because I knew that those come for recruiting candidates for seminary demands certain academic qualifications which I did not have. Mostly they selected the so called talented and bright students. I even concluded that it was not my cup. My interest and dreams started diverting in the course of my exposures in different places and people. But my grandparents used to remind me of my childhood memories and inquire about my desire to serve the Lord. My response to them was not always positive. I did not take them seriously. It was a time of no orientation, confusion and many other colourful imaginations and attractions. To say it more precisely, it was during the time of my infatuation I started questioning my real identity and purpose of my life. I was reminded of my inborn desire to serve the Lord. But it was not easy for me to choose between. I prayed. My prayer was not always in total surrender. Sometimes I asked God so that things may happen according to my momentary expectations. Great miracles did not happen. But I experienced small changes in my life which indicted that God calls me. I believed. And even today as I am in the 14th year of my formation in the Congregation, I can say that I am in the right place and God has been faithful to his promises. God speaks to us very intimately in and through various people. I think we need to also listen to his voice. I believe that my vocation is God’s response to the cry of his people…
Frankfurt, Germany.
April 2023.
